KevEdd! Trapped In Their Own Home!
by Ammish
Summary: Edd and Kevin are trapped in their own home. The fan girls are the reason. They sit around and question why they are shipped together so much. A story and social commentary on the KevEdd shipping. (Warning: May contain caricatures of fan girls and a certain artist)
1. Chapter 1

"Hey, dude" Kevin has called out to Edd, as he looked outside beyond Edd's window of his house, looking over the cul-de-sac. He and Edd, who have been friends for three years since the events of Eddy's brother, were dealing with an issue. It was an issue that was so much grandeur than anything they had to face, one that equals to the Armageddon that threatens the existence of the universe. "They are back"

"Really? Pray tell, is it that I fear it to be?" Edd asked, fearing the answer that is obvious.

"Yes. It's the fan girls" Kevin responded, followed by a sigh. He landed his fingers onto the bronze handles of the window and pulled upwards. "They will never leave us alone"

One of the female fanatics screamed out as Kevin put his head out of the window. "OH MY GOD, IT'S KEVIN!"

"KEVIN, I LOVE YOU" screamed another female with a nasally voice.

"Yeah, yeah, when are you going to leave us alone?" Kevin asked the female fanatics.

"Have you made out with Double D yet?"

"What?" Kevin became speechless. He struggled to find any apt words to respond to the question, a hilarious notion that was thrown about without any conceivable proof. "Why? Me and Double D... aren't dating?"

"It's okay" Another female spoke out, more butch in her tone. "You just haven't realised it yet. Come out of the closet, Kevin. You are gay, but we'll accept you for who you are"

"I'm not gay!" spat Kevin, horrified to hear the comments coming from the female fan base. And yet, he felt that what they were saying is genuine. "I never liked Edd. I just... don't swing that way. I have a crush on Nazz for fuck sake!"

"OH MY GOD, KEVIN SAID 'FUCK'" screamed another female fanatic, high pitch in tone. "I LOVE YOU, KEVIN!"

"Sure you are, Kevin. You are just 'straight' because Cartoon Network wants you to be, to appease to the fascist, heterosexual, Christian masses. You are really gay; you just weren't allowed to express it!"

Silence suddenly engulfed both side, though there were little peeps and whispers on congratulating the woman for expressing on such a subject such as that. Kevin, on the other hand, found it to be utterly distasteful, terrifying and insane. He had nothing more to say, slamming the window downwards and returning to face Edd.

"Yeah... They want us to make out" said Kevin, trembling at the disgust of such a thing. "Jeez, what is with our fan base recently?"

Edd took a moment to evaluate the situation that they were thrusted into. At his desk, he grabbed a sheet of paper that he neatly laid out on the right-hand side and a biro black pen, suddenly writing out a long mathematical equation. A series of long fractions, algebra and more that were randomly written down, as the author's mathematic skills are below average, to get to the conclusion of this question. That conclusion never came. "Inconclusive. I haven not the faintest clue why"

"Come on, dork! We're going to be trapped in here unless we give them what they want" said a panicked Kevin, gulping at the idea of himself and Edd intertwining with one another, sharing their lips as they exchange the sweet, sweet saliva. "And I honestly don't swing that way"

"Well, this is strange. Why would a certain group of our fan base be interested in such a thing? There were no hints to my knowledge that we had such an attraction to each other. In fact, you bullied and ridiculed me!" Edd buried his head into his desk, deeply confused of the situation they are in. The fan base outside with their beliefs of a relationship, despite overwhelming odds that is not the case, is a mystery.

"Okay, I am borrowing your laptop, Double D" said Kevin, grabbing the black Zony Siao laptop that was laid neatly on the table across Edd's desk.

"By all means, ask and you shall receive" Edd sarcasticaly responded, as no one seems to ask for permission on use of his property. "What are you hoping to find, if I may ask?"

"Something. Anything" snapped Kevin. He searched around on Poogle, a search engine website, to find any evidence or answers to the predicament. Searching high and low, clicking on every link, he finally found the website. That website made Kevin froze in his tracks. "Oh..."

"Oh, what is it, Kevin?" asked Edd, curious to know why Kevin froze at such a website. "Did you visit that horrifying website? You know they are only amusing for its cat pictures!"

"Just... look"

Edd gave out a sigh as he walked over to check the website that Kevin has found. Once he has laid his eyes, has enlarged them to the point of shock. He dropped down onto the floor; trauma hit him like a punch in the gut. "What is that?"

"This is... the fumblr page of a user... called... 'asphyxion'" answered Kevin, still shocked.

"The better question is... WHY AM I CAPTAIN OF THE SWIM TEAM?"

"Double D..."

"OR WHY AM I INVADING YOUR PERSONAL SPACE, SEXUALLY-HARRASSING YOU WORSE THAN MARIE. MARIE, OF ALL PEOPLE!"

"Double D.."

"OR WHY AM I FEARED BY EVERY..."

"DOUBLE D!" Kevin grabbed Edd and pulled towards himself, lifted his right hand and slapped Edd across the face. "Snap out of it, dude"

"Oh my god!" one of the female from the crowd screamed out, who was hanging outside of Edd's window. She dropped downwards from the window and rushed beyond the crowd "KEVIN SLAPPED DOUBLE D. THIS IS GOING ON MY FUMBLR. MY PHOTOSHOP SKILLS ARE BEING FINALLY PUT TO USE!"

"O...kay?" Kevin said in confusion, before turning his head towards Edd once again. "Relax. It's an Alternative Universe. What they write about us... isn't canon"

"Oh, that's... enlightening. I feel a bit..." Edd's sentence was interrupted by the shouting of someone, from a distant. It was a stream of the same words, becoming louder and louder as it dawns in on Edd and Kevin.

_'No. No. No. No. No. No.'_

"Where is that peculiar sound coming from?" Edd pondered, looking around to see where the voice is coming from.

_'No. No. No. No. No. No.'_

"I don't know, dude, but it's getting closer" said Kevin

_'No. No. No. No. No. No'_

"Dear lord, its right outside my bedroom" Edd panicked, watching his door intently as he fear what may come through here. Could it be another fan girl? Or could it be a murder, wanting to kill Edd and Kevin? Or worse, could it be the Kanker sisters?

**Thud. Thud. Thud.**

A mysterious man, in his twenties, broke through the door with blood-shot red eyes. He looked to be not of a sinister manner, but one of wrath and enragement. He stood tall, over the two young boys and proceeds to shout into their ear drum.

"JUST BECAUSE IT'S A FUCKING ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE DOES NOT MEAN YOU HAVE TO THROW AWAY EVERY SINGLE THING THAT MAKES THIS ALL POSSIBLE JUST TO HAVE AN ILLOGICAL RELATIONSHIP!"

_To be continued…_


	2. Chapter 2

Edd and Kevin were faced with a mysterious stranger; a young man in his twenties with a yellow t-shirt and a black and grey checker pyjamas bottoms. His hair is a greasy dark brown, but his eyes pierce through his long fringe, into the direction of Edd and Kevin. They felt as if the gaze can pierce through their souls.

Edd proceed hesitantly with greeting the young stranger. "Salutations, my name is Eddward. But you may call me 'Double D'. This is my friend, Kevin. Nice to meet you?"

"I know your names" The mysterious man responded.

"Oh". Edd was caught off-guard by the response, feeling more at unease. "Pray tell, do you know us?"

"Know you?" The mysterious man prepared himself for what it may be one of the most volatile rant. "I fucking know you two because I am the one who is writing you. Oh, my name? Call me The Author… or Ammish. I do not give a damn. You two and the fan girls outside are all written by me. And this is based on the works by Danny Antonucci, who is responsible for your existence, and continued by the fans who contribute on this website. But once I heard the 'Alternative Universe' is okay to bastardise the works of others, I felt I had to weigh in."

Kevin interrupted The Author as he did not believe in the claims that The Author is saying. "Yeah, yeah, I don't believe you. If you are the author, then I have blonde hair!"

"Okay" The Author had an evil grin across his face. "You have blonde hair"

"Sure I do" Kevin did not take the situation seriously, giggling to himself as he looked into the mirror that stood in the corner of the bedroom. There, he halted and his eyes widen with astonishment. His cap is overflowing with long, golden blonde hair. "WHAT THE… I HAVE LONG BLONDE HAIR"

"Good lord, Kevin. That means… You are really 'The Author'" gasped Edd, amazed to be in the presence of The Author.

"Yeah, though I believe I avoided one cliché. You see a lot of writers of the EEnE fandom, and EEnE means Ed, Edd n Eddy for you two, Double D is commonly written with blonde hair"

"Why would they write such a thing?" asked Edd in confusion.

"Because people want answers to what is under that hat of yours. For me, I prefer VampireMeerkat's Mullet Theory. But it just works to me" The Author responded once again, sighing as he began to open up the window once again. "God, the time that I am wasting writing this, when I could be writing about other things"

"Pray tell, are you going to negotiate with the crowd outside?"

"Well, 'negotiate' might not be that word". The Author began to smile, and then his facial expression change to a face that screams 'I am going to die'. He has stuck his head out of the window and locked eyes with the fan girls that stood outside. "So, sup?"

The fan girls all stood in confusion, not sure what to expect from a new stranger that they have not seen before. But it has taken no more than ten seconds for the first obvious question to be thrown out. "So are you like that dude who is dating Double D, who he's just using you to make Kevin jealous?"

A young female objected. "No. No. He looks too old to be dating Double D"

The Author released a huge sigh yet again. He felt like there is no shortage of 'sigh' when dealing with this particular fanbase. "No. I am not dating Double D. I am The Author. I have written you lot to be in this particular story"

"Wait, you are The Author? Aren't you just a Gary-Stu?"

The Author felt like he could put his 'sighs' on repeat. Still, he perseveres and began to explain his issue. "As I was saying, I am going to say this. This 'Alternative Universe' crap is the most common excuse for the fanbase to avoid developing the characters and want their OTP to be realised. Kevin and Edd, as a couple, do not work. There are probably a few fan-fictions that the writers care genuinely for the source material, but I have not found one that screams 'IT WORKS'. Simply put, it is just written for fap material and I believe those that write these fictions never appreciated the cartoons in the first place!"

The fanbase listened intently and went in uproar, refusing to accept the criticism of The Author. Some even began to release criticism of their own.

"What makes you think that you can say what works and what doesn't work? You are just a raging homophobe who does not like two men kissing!"

"I have just read your profile and you even ship two characters. Why would you ship Double D and Marie together? Marie has been bullying him, sexually harassing him and just has bad teeth!"

The Author went on the defensive and responded to these criticisms. "I have no issues with gay people. I have an issue with the cast of characters, which are being dismantled and destroyed, to be rebuilt to suit your needs. I have an issue with being told that they are 'gay', but it is not written carefully or with tact. Coming out as a homosexual is one of the hardest things that some people deal in their life. In your fan –fictions, it is written as something that is just thrown out there. I would accuse others of being homophobic for that reason, because it is treat for subtle pornography purposes, if I can call it 'subtle'" The Author began to continue his rant into defending why he ships the two characters that he has written "And the reason why I ship Double D and Marie is because other authors have convinced me it works. It is just my preference and there are so many arguments against Edd and Marie as a couple, but it is my job to convince the audience. And I do that by respecting the source material and write from there. But I am not perfect. I have grammatical issues. I don't proof-read my stories from time to time. So I am not the authority to look up to on that reason. But I deeply care about the cartoons and have been a part of my childhood, something which goes over the top of yer' heads"

"But you cannot accuse us of not being 'true fans'. Some of us dedicate our free time, writing the fiction of the show that we love" One woman pointed out, wearing thick glasses, with a blue cardigan top and long pink skirt. "And I would not accuse you of not being a 'true fan'. We have different interpretations of the cartoons that we were raised up with. We all have different ideas. Some like to ship Edd and Marie, like you. Some like to ship Edd and Kevin. And some like to ship Edd and Nazz. Sometimes, people do not care if it respects canon or not. Some just really adore the idea of their favourite OTP being written. If it bothers people so much, then contribute with your own ideas and share them. Or share one author's work that you feel it respects the canon."

The Author was struck with silence. _'Was that… logic that I have just heard?'_He thought on the speech for a few minutes, before responding to the woman. "But when you write a piece of fiction based on a beloved media, it's expected to receive criticism if your piece of fiction does not reflect the source material. Even in an Alternative Universe, it is just taking a cast of characters and subverting them or placing them in new environments. They need to have certain traits that made them who they are. You cannot rewrite them to suit your narrative need. Fan fiction should be written around the source material, not the other way around"

"Maybe so, you do have a point" The woman agreed with the response. "But many different writers, in the end, write to satisfy their fans. Rule 34 exists for pornography purposes and fans draw them all the time. Sure, it is not canon, but it satisfies the fans. Do you feel really good if a fan writes a review, saying they love your work?"

The Author paused for a moment. "Yes"

"Feels really good, don't it?"

"Yeah, it does"

"And that is why so many fans who write for their OTP continue to do so. Their fans want more. And as long as it doesn't prevent other works from being realised, it is entirely harmless. I believe in this OTP because I feel it introduces a new dynamic. Homosexual characters aren't portrayed much in the cartoons and I enjoy the cartoons as much as you did"

"But is that the only reason?"

"Why can't we have a reason? It might not be the ideal reason, but it is my reason"

The Author thought about this for a moment, before proceeding to shut the window. He turned around and faces Edd and Kevin, showing a face that is enlighten. "Okay. The fanbase is no long outside. I have written it as if a giant meteor struck down on them. Speaking of which, beware of the giant meteor"

"A giant meteor? Good lord, do you have no heart?" Edd gasped, horrified to hear that The Author written such a thing.

"Yeah, that's not cool, dude" Kevin responded, twirling his golden blonde hair.

"Here's a pro-tip. There will be those who are close-minded. And there are those who are open-minded. And then, you have people like me who are open-minded and still hates the other side. My answer? A fucking meteor because I said so"

_Pro-tip: Sometimes, Authors are just dicks. _


	3. Fin

Why hello there. After reading those two chapters, you are wondering what my stance on the Edd and Kevin couple is.

Well, my stance is… how does it work? I have always been an avid fan of the series, but I follow it as close to it like the bible. If it reflects the source material really well, then that is half of the battle done. In my opinion, I find that the majority of the fan fictions skip over 'reflecting the source material' and it can suffer for it. That is how I was exposed to fan fiction and that is why I am a writer. As of the tenth chapter of my series 'Growth, Maturity and a Slight Pinch of Ed', I have received feedback and the common praise was how it felt so much like the cartoons despite the first chapter painting a situation so different to the cartoon.

And that is what I strive for. But, you know, as the woman has said in chapter 2, "If it bothers people so much, then contribute with your own ideas and share them. Or share one author's work that you feel it respects the canon". If you just complain without pulling your finger, then we are going to get more of the same. Some authors write what they care about and may only review one or two review for every three chapters. Sometimes, they never get a review at all!

But you can try. And maybe because of your work, you inspire someone to write their own. When I joined up last year, I decided to write my own work because of three authors. These three authors are: KiltedEngineer on "Bad Girl With Big Hearts", StarUchicha on "Immoral" and Flywheel Shyster and Flywheel for his one-shots. Another author by the name of therealshackleford played an influence, but I have yet to complete reading his work. But these authors influence me to write my own work.

It is fine to complain now and then. The Edd and Kevin shipping has gone out of hand recently, populating the first, second and third page of the EEnE section on . Some people are clearly disgruntled about it and I do not blame them. But we have to pull out our finger and write our own stories. And support others who are writing their stories.

On the subject of AU!Reverse by asphyxion. Simply put, I do appreciate her as an artist. She can definitely draw very well and it is a hobby for her. Her artistry is better than my writing. But it seems to bastardise every character such as Edd becoming the captain of the swim team, becoming the very character that is very hard to sympathise with and partakes in sexual harassment for the 'lulz'. She denies it of course, but the message is clear. If you sexually harass gay men, they will fall in love with you!

Is it just me that finds it a problem? Don't you see how homophobic it is becoming?

Regardless, there is a moral. That is, I cannot accuse others of not being 'true fans'. I can criticise them for taking a direction, but these standards are my own and not imposed on everyone. They have their own reasons why they believe in the couple. Just as I have mine. I want to portray both sides as reasonable. The ending regarding the meteor represents my feelings in the end.

_I can understand why they write this stuff, but I still don't like it. _


End file.
